Ways to Manage Our Emotions
Providing therapy to children with behavioural or emotional difficulties requires the therapists to work closely with their caregivers. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, the environments that children live in play a huge role in affecting their behaviours. For example, if caregivers are inconsistent with what a child can or cannot do, there is a chance that the child may intensify their difficult behaviour so that they get to do what they want. Secondly, children have not developed the necessary skills to regulate their emotions or behaviours on their own, and thus require the support from adults.
In our years of experience working with caregivers of children with behavioural or emotional difficulties, we found two commonalities among the caregivers who are more successful in reducing difficult behaviours in their children. These caregivers not only reduced their children’s difficult behaviours, but more importantly, they built greater positive relationships with their children.
“Our emotions make a difference to our children’s behaviours.”
What are the two things they have in common?
They are better at regulating their own emotions when managing their children’s behaviours and use evidence-based behaviour management strategies!
All of us experience positive (e.g., happy, content, peaceful) and negative (e.g., annoyed, low, disappointed) emotions at different times of our lives. While we all prefer positive emotions, there is nothing wrong with experiencing negative emotions. It is what we usually do and how we respond to people around us when we experience the negative emotions that matters. For example, if we hit or scream at others when we are angry, it is not acceptable. However, if we go for a walk, it is perfectly fine.
In the context of bringing up children, there are many situations where caregivers feel angry or irritated with their children. For instance, when they hurt other children physically, repeatedly lie to their caregivers or teachers, cry and lie on the floor because they refuse to leave the playground, or when they spend their time on devices late into the night that they are late for school. In anger or irritation, some caregivers may respond in certain ways (e.g., threatening, screaming, using physical punishment) that may escalate their children’s behaviour there and then. Such ways, especially when used constantly, are also ineffective in reducing the difficult behaviours in the long term and may result in poorer relationships between the caregivers and children.
Children in their anxious moments, especially when they throw up, cry non-stop, fall sick frequently, cling on to their caregivers, or hurt themselves in different ways, may also cause caregivers to feel anxious. Consequently, caregivers may take them away from the anxious situations, reprimand them, scream at them, do things for them when they are capable of doing themselves, stay with them when it is not appropriate to do so, or fix their imperfections or errors for them. These responses are not helpful to the children as they do not get to learn to cope with their anxiety. They may also miss out on the enjoyment they will get from the activities they like, as they avoid participating in them due to fear of certain things in the activities. Additionally, they miss out on learning the skills they need to (e.g., social skills, academics) due to them being away from the situations. Caregivers’ responses may also accidentally reinforce children’s beliefs about their worries and fears.
What are some ways that you can regulate your negative emotions when managing children’s behaviours so that you respond in ways that support their behaviours? The pictures below illustrate some ways that you can try when you begin to feel negative emotions. One or more ways can be used at the same time.
You are also encouraged to engage in some activities regularly to enhance your overall emotional well-being.
Below are examples of activities you can engage in:
If you find that your children’s behaviours triggered your emotions to a point where you find them hard to regulate, speak with a professional for further support.